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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries.

	2008.05.14  14.53 leftover corn recipe. so i had some leftover sweet corn from the other day and not much else to eat for lunch. i'm trying to be a good cook but unfortunately i'm still in the really bad mistakes phase. horrible things can happen with limited ingredients, this actually didn't turn out that bad though: corns diced mushrooms bok choy chile powder more chile powder (at this point i started questioning my ability to pull of spicy mushrooms) some salt guoza dipping sauce i found in the fridge (soy sauce based) pan cooked and devoured promptly thereafter. est. time: 10 minutes (including prep) well, i enjoyed it. it was at least interesting... :]

	2008.05.12  12.30 what do i know? so... so, i graduated and live in california now. the experience has been as jolting as the jump from the last entry to this one. my time spent feels eerily like the empty space between these disjointed boxes. loads of laundry and drugs. screaming and cleaning the kitchen. drugs and screaming. cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry. screaming. and i wake up cold every day now. and just so you know, drug testing is ridiculous. don't drug test the RIDE OPERATORS at disneyland, but drug test if you stand behind a counter and ring up fucking poly-blend all day? i applied to work at condomrevolution, an erotic shop. the whole interview experience made me feel pretty numb. i researched the sex toys online and watched a bunch of porn to prepare myself for still feeling uncomfortable and disappointed. in fact, all of those hours submerging myself into sexuality didn't help me feel excited or educated at all, only sad and disgusted. sex is serious. sex is fun. not everyone can get it right. practice makes "perfect". put it out of your mind that if you're a woman, you'll always be the one [getting fucked]. unless you like it that way. you dirty whore. and through winter, what did i learn? what am i certain of? what do i know? things could be a lot worse.

	2007.07.25  02.58 peeling back my eyelids in search of sleep, but it illudes me. and then sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and have a cigarette in the moonlight. hugging my knees to my chest and letting the smoke slide efforttlessly between my lips while the chirps of the peepers echo across the pond... i sit completely still and wait for euphoria. inspiration. realization. and it rarely comes. but sometimes peace does. moonlight crawling through my unkept hair and a cool breeze slipping into my bathrobe, i bask in silence. i bask in hopelessness, and it makes me feel more alive than anything else. Mood: uncomfortable

	2006.11.17  01.17 i'm ready to be let down. some days it feels like the world could live off of my love i've got so much inside of me but never enough is it my intensity that gets to you? i understand that life is easier when you're numb everything's simpler when you're dumb but doesn't your heart ache for purity? don't your lips long for softness when throughout the day harsh words just regress i only ever wanted to shelter you from the things that brought me pain until i realized, too late that you live off of something i can't ever give away

	2006.11.15  21.35 my feet are too cold. i cleaned my room today. it was kind of symbolic. i cranked my music to drown out my thoughts. i threw away lots of stuff that i kept through the move. i'm going to put up some xmas lights and try to put my old posters up on the walls. i just want to make this place more cozy. i miss camden. and i was miserable there. i feel the potentiality for this place to make me even more miserable. how cliche would it be to want to kill myself in this house? my aunt already did it... i can't even imagine.

	2006.11.10  12.28 downhill. i don't want the past. i'm starving for the future.

	2006.11.07  22.52 wrap it up and keep it there. i had this pile of books on my floor, i kept meaning to return them to the library, because i have some really insane late fees. eight books. 10 cents per day each. i think they're all at least 2 weeks overdue. i have no money. so i slept from 6 to 9ish, and i wanted to sleep through the night, but that would be too convenient, and my brain is too loud for that. so i went on aim for a bit, hoping someone would start talking to me and say something interesting, but no. so i tried to go back to sleep. but picked up one of the books off of my floor instead. please don't kill the freshman. i was about 1/3 through it last month, and i just stopped reading it. which is stupid because i was really enjoying it. i don't remember why i stopped. so i was reading for about an hour, and i felt myself rapidly deteriorating. i love the authors words, they make me swoon. she talk about being in love with a girl, and i just want to be in love with her. i want to love her because i feel like she'll never leave me. her words will always be there, in this book. but she doesn't know i exist and i'm too self concious to stalk her down and talk to her. i want to throw my words at her and make her tell me that we're the same. i want to find some part of her that gets every part of me, and i want to be her linux shoe. i'm going to canada to visit sean on the 17th. he constantly talks about how excited he'll be to see me, and that he doesn't know how he'll react. he has a lot of words for me. whenever i need them. and a lot of the time, when i really don't. i like to talk to him when i'm angry or i want to whine. i don't want to talk to him when i'm sad, because i don't want him to try to relate to me. he thinks we're so much alike. i'm depressed. he's depressed. he wants to help me, he's so wise. i want everyone to stop trying to help me. i want to find someone who can be my mirror image without trying. i like style-copying. that being said, in true zoe trope fashion, i have a name for someone. it's not very original and it's not very interesting. there's a boy, and i'll call him 'music'. i want to hold his hand. i want our hands to be drunken and intertwined and i want his breathy words to be too close to my face, and i want to tell him everything will be okay, and i don't want to talk, i just want to cuddle. shut up, you're so unoriginal, savannah. but it's TRUE. you're a copycat. i don't care. zoe trope zoe trope zoe trope zoe trope. i'm so weird.

	2006.11.01  15.16 it hurts to the point where i can barely breathe. i don't want to care about him anymore. someone please make this stop hurting.

	2006.10.30  09.45 in my chemistry class today, human nature grabbed me by the throat and extracted the bitterness. we took an open note test. a girl left to go to the resource room. i didn't notice. she came back after everyone was already finished with their quizes and had begun our new lab. our teacher told her to join a group. she slowly turned like a lame yeti and surveyed the class, looking for sympathetic and accepting eyes. i fixed my eyes to my paper and moved closer the my partner, the lesser of two evils in the equation. i felt pity and disgust for this girl at the same time. i told myself that this was okay because disgust often came connected to any pity i felt, especially for myself. an underclassmen girl flipped her straightened blonde hair. the boys sitting directly behind her oogled her blue victoria's secret thong in horny awe. i had the same shoes she was wearing. i knew they were uncomfortable. she pulled up her jeans. the oogling boys started to breathe again.

	2006.10.29  10.38 disney movies simplify everything. it seems like every single leaf from tthe trees lining the pond in my backyard has been blown away. everything looks barren and wet, cold and desolate. i'm reminded of that scene from the lion king when they convince simba to go back to pride rock, and when they get there it's a wasteland. that's my backyard. that is my heart.

	2006.10.28  00.29 falling apart. I sat in on a friend's AP english class today. As you could probably guess, the class began a discussion on reading they had completed in a previous class. I tried to focus my attention, to act like what they were saying was incredibly important. I tried to make myself care about E. B. White's short essays. He made important points, the teacher said. Groups alternated and verbally dissected each individual work. It was systematic. The enthusiasm of the students peaked when clever words found their way to their lips. They ultimately wallowed with pride silently after their piece was through. I kept hearing this song in my head, a soundtrack for the nerves and judgments of the students. They weren't cynical like I had grown to be. They were in that class because they had colleges to impress. I hadn't considered AP classes at all. I used to tell myself this wasn't because I wasn't smart enough, but that I just didn't care. I've found now that I don't trust myself to care. I can't promise myself that i'll stay up late writing an essay when I feel dead from the stress of the day. Realistically, my "personal" time is less effective than I would like to believe. No matter how much spare time I have, my responsibilities are never taken care of. Sometimes I feel like a failure because of this. I want to write, I want people to feel as strongly about my writing as I do. The AP students wouldn't understand my poetry. They don't understand the way my head works or the flood of emotions I push down into the lowest part of my stomach. My words are meant to be felt, like music, not removed from context and categorized like grades of eggs. I've never written a story that I was happy with. Frustration always beats me to the chase, and the endings of my stories are always slurred and misconstrued. No, not even misconstrued, they are lame. I try to make myself create meaningful sentences that any reader can identify with. My endings aren't happy. My endings are confusing. I write what I relate to. My endings are chaos. My endings cannot be put into words. The end is the breakdown, it's the loss of hope and the sudden burst of realization that drives you to insanity. Hope is gone in my endings. The happy place that so many talk about hasn't ever truly existed for me. I can, more than anyone else i've ever met, appreciate a beautiful, warm sunset. Emotion is a hard thing to deal with for me because it hurts. True happiness is so strong that it hurts. Sadness freezes my heart, and pity makes me senseless with self hatred. Mostly I'm numb. I laugh and I make other laugh, but I'm not really there. I don't really feel the touch of a friend's hand. I displace myself from reality because its sting is like a coked-out nightmare. My world is blurred every time my thin cloud cover is blown away.

	2006.06.01  22.20 brought back to life? i'm not sure if the monster can be wakened all this time, laying dormant in some seperate place. and i used to be so smart i feel an uncertain lacking now, reminiscing about everything i've missed all the thoughts that have slipped away... there have been so many kisses and lies since then. trying to remember everything will only give me a headache... Mood: anxious Music: belle and sebastian

	2006.01.23  21.32 the walls are splitting and the light is fighting through. it's sickening the horror that astounds me and how it rebounds at the exact wrong moments and all i can think about is how i'm screwing up and all i can think about is what you think of me it makes me so nauseous to recount all of those wasted, worthless moments and all of those witty things i never said to make you fall head over heals and land tumbling at my feet with a grin the size of California. allyouneedisSAV : all i do is annoy him. xx she was : at least you have a hobby Music: the pixies.

	2006.01.22  00.20 soothing the ache. watch those slender fingers so graceful they'll dance upon the strings ringing beautiful things some untrue, all for you they'll snap and break and crumble away that day that you say you don't love her anymore that you never did but what's to be done about two empty hearts? old string and material things wont hold these lives together they can't give up trying pulling in different directions but they have no idea where they're going and a cracking split ensues. Music: delerium

	2006.01.19  00.05 test test Mood: happy Music: test