Below are the 10 most recent journal entries.
peeling back my eyelids in search of sleep, but it illudes me.
and then sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and have a cigarette in the moonlight. hugging my knees to my chest and letting the smoke slide efforttlessly between my lips while the chirps of the peepers echo across the pond... i sit completely still and wait for euphoria. inspiration. realization. and it rarely comes. but sometimes peace does. moonlight crawling through my unkept hair and a cool breeze slipping into my bathrobe, i bask in silence. i bask in hopelessness, and it makes me feel more alive than anything else.
i'm ready to be let down.
some days it feels
like the world could live off of my love
i've got so much inside of me
but never enough
is it my intensity that gets to you?
that life is easier when you're numb
everything's simpler when you're dumb
but doesn't your heart ache for purity?
don't your lips long for softness
when throughout the day
harsh words just regress
i only ever wanted to shelter you
from the things that brought me pain
until i realized, too late
that you live off of something i can't ever give away
i don't want the past.
i'm starving for the future.
it hurts to the point where i can barely breathe.
i don't want to care about him anymore.
someone please make this stop hurting.
in my chemistry class today, human nature grabbed me by the throat and extracted the bitterness.
we took an open note test. a girl left to go to the resource room. i didn't notice.
she came back after everyone was already finished with their quizes and had begun our new lab.
our teacher told her to join a group.
she slowly turned like a lame yeti and surveyed the class, looking for sympathetic and accepting eyes. i fixed my eyes to my paper and moved closer the my partner, the lesser of two evils in the equation.
i felt pity and disgust for this girl at the same time. i told myself that this was okay because disgust often came connected to any pity i felt, especially for myself.
an underclassmen girl flipped her straightened blonde hair. the boys sitting directly behind her oogled her blue victoria's secret thong in horny awe. i had the same shoes she was wearing. i knew they were uncomfortable.
she pulled up her jeans. the oogling boys started to breathe again.
disney movies simplify everything.
it seems like every single leaf from tthe trees lining the pond in my backyard has been blown away.
everything looks barren and wet, cold and desolate. i'm reminded of that scene from the lion king when they convince simba to go back to pride rock, and when they get there it's a wasteland.
that's my backyard.
that is my heart.
brought back to life?
i'm not sure if the monster can be wakened
all this time, laying dormant in some seperate place.
and i used to be so smart
i feel an uncertain lacking now, reminiscing
about everything i've missed
all the thoughts that have slipped away...
there have been so many kisses and lies since then.
trying to remember everything will only give me a headache...
the walls are splitting and the light is fighting through.
the horror that astounds me
and how it rebounds at the exact wrong moments
and all i can think about is how i'm screwing up
and all i can think about is what you think of me
it makes me so nauseous to recount
all of those wasted, worthless moments
and all of those witty things i never said
to make you fall head over heals
and land tumbling at my feet with a grin the size of California.
allyouneedisSAV : all i do is annoy him.
xx she was : at least you have a hobby
soothing the ache.
watch those slender fingers
so graceful they'll dance upon the strings
ringing beautiful things
some untrue, all for you
they'll snap and break and crumble away
that day that you say
you don't love her anymore
that you never did
but what's to be done about two empty hearts?
old string and material things wont hold these lives together
they can't give up trying
pulling in different directions
but they have no idea where they're going
and a cracking split ensues.